I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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