Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
