i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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