You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
