I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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