Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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