dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
