Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
