so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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