My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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