She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
