WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
