So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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