mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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