We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
