Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
