Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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