The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
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So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
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I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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