My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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