Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
