No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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