his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
