and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
