I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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