i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
