Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
