3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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