I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
