I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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