you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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