At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
