mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
