my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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