Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
