Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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