im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
