I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
