I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
