Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
