I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i now understand why vodka
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
