am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
