I want to stick my p in your. b.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
