you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
