I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
In America we eat man semen.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
