We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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