she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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