I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
