At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
