Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
