someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
