If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
