The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
