dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Randomize
