i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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