my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
