so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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