dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
