if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
