HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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