Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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