Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
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I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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