This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
