Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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