Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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