just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
ok first of all what the fuck
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
